Water, water everywhere

honeybee131 @ 2004-07-21T00:41:00

2004-07-21T08:10:08Z

i feel so useless. like i honestly cant do anything right. even when i try really hard i manage to do SOMETHING thats just good enough. because thats all i want, to have him be happy with me. and then i go and blame it on myself like ive just royally fucked up... when in perspective... i didnt. its that whole ego thing of his. And i dont appriciate straight up lies. That kinda hurts. I understand why... i guess... but its stupid. at the same time why do i always have to be the one who "understands" every mood swing, reason out every attitude, while i get shit for everything. i dont really mind as long as its well meant, but sometimes its a bit overdone.

U know what i hate, is that i can point out every single flaw in him... but i love it all the same. I dont really see them as flaws either. It just makes me so vulnerable.

so scared to lose him. i miss the cards, i miss when he used to tell him so often how much he liked me. yea, he says i love you, mostly its just love u too. kinda detatched. i just want to feel needed. i did last night. and it made me happy.

Last night there were a few moments that just make everything so worthwhile. The little things... like when i was cleaning the bowls he put his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. i love that feeling. Like when he kissed me so many times i couldnt take another drink, or when we fell on the floor. Ok yea enough details, thats the idea. Those things are all i want in honesty.

Ive been listened to a lot of depressing songs lately. They make me think of a lot of things that are happening, will happen, could happen...

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too
He said I'm sorry

I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around
Cuz the day you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together...You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

Well you know I hate to be a downer
But I'm the guy she left before you found her
Well I'm not saying you won't have a good love with her
But I keep on remembering things like they were
She made me feel so bad
She made my heart feel sad
She made my days go wrong
And made my nights so long... only reverse that. girl talking about a guy...mmk

OK well theres more but im hella tired. by the way, i had the gayest night. frankly, it was gross and i regret it. Some things dont need to be seen. Ugh. We're dumb. Curiosity killed the cat.

honeybee131 @ 2004-03-07T14:35:00

2004-03-07T22:35:35Z

stealing_is_bad... add it.

honeybee131 @ 2004-01-27T22:25:00

2004-01-28T06:17:23Z

A lot of this is gonna be Friends Only because im not allowed to have feelings and write them down spur of the moment, whether i mean it or not. who reads this shit anyway?

<3333

2004-01-28T01:03:55Z

Yea u love it. Dont deny

bday

2004-01-11T05:11:20Z

i got these like a day ago from jess. They're more pics of my b-day. yaaaay....

candid... yikes...

a few bats in the cave...

me and gemma

shes my hero and she dont even know it

yeaaaaaa

who knows how we let jess talk us into this holding hands business

i look high huh... alexis is actually outside the store. craazzzyy

haha... this had to be.... altered....

shes adorable, huh

this is my fav. but this whole black and white thing just doesnt work

everyone else missed a fabulous day.

and this was from hc.... i got this pic like a week ago... 2 months after hc... go figure huh...

honeybee131 @ 2003-12-28T23:58:00

2003-12-29T07:59:18Z

sorry for the little (understatement) bitter entry i had there. ha.

honeybee131 @ 2003-12-28T00:19:00

2003-12-28T08:50:21Z

i feel like saying everything right here, right now... but im not in the mood. im not the mood to write. im not in the mood to think. im not in the mood to act all fuckin peppy and cheery (its not worth the effort anymore). im not in the mood to act like i care (especially when you fucking don't). im not in the mood to pretend (because thats all i ever do). fuck my life, but more importantly, everyone in it.

you've been asking too much.

maybe... maybe, I'M the one asking too much...?!

i'll never fucking talk to you outside of high school... and im not even sad about it. (x 20)

people are bullshit.

i take that back...high school is bullshit (and i'm sick of it.)

one of the most genuine people i know, i hardly know. maybe thats why they're genuine. but then again they've seen too little and know too few to know how to be a self-absorbed asshole like everybody else.

Drinking is overrated... fun, but overrated. On a daily basis its those with no real lives, no real goals, and really... nothing better to do. (dont get me wrong, drinking is fun and something to keep the youth occupied in the boredom of the suburbs.)

the handful of people i rely on now mean so much and its gonna be so hard to leave in a few months. mentally prepare myself for loss. everyone else is worthless.

you've been a victim.

i owe it to you to make friends with your friends, but dont expect anything more. anything else is a waste of time i can't have back.

what i consider a good evening for me: dinner with a friend, watching movies with a room full of friends, laughing, laughing, laughing.
the evening i should have had tonight (that would have prevented and solved so many things): reading Vogue at Borders and drinking coffee <by myself>, burning a few cds, rent a movie, take a bath... sleep. oh, and turning off my cell phone.

i wish i hadnt known. i wish so many people didnt mean something to me. i wish they were as disposable to me as i am to them. i wish i didnt care.

ever wonder who would miss you if you were gone???

OOOOH... and by the way... the dress i wore to homecoming was in InStyle... was yours?

> mhmm thats what i thought.</p>

honeybee131 @ 2003-12-20T21:17:00

2003-12-21T05:13:33Z

my bday was so fun! heres a FEW of the pics....

<-- my best friends

we cruised all day in the Hummer

aint that sweet

the
bf

the two stephs were excluded from this picture... damn

ugc haha

theres loads more... but u get this idea. fun day! i was spoiled!

honeybee131 @ 2003-12-19T01:48:00

2003-12-19T09:51:48Z

hello! SCHOOL IS OUT! i refuse to talk about it till january 7th thank you.

tonight went out to dinner in sf with matt and then saw a movie. we were beyond tired it was fun tho. its always fun with him. ummmmmm... i would just like to state that my bf is better than urs (aaaaand my friends now how to shop) haha helluv cute... for my bday he got me Breakfast at Tiffany's dvd (my fav movie) and a Tiffany's necklace with a heart thingy. it was adorable. hehe

tomorrow shopping in sf with my girls WHO ARE ALL DITCHING ME AT ONE POINT OR ANOTHER IN THE DAY! fuckin liz didnt even bother to give me a fuckin courtesy call about if shes comin or not. she can never fuckin hang out... not even on my fucking 18th birthday. whatever. im over it. ill find something to do when everyone leaves me for somethin else *sobs*

honeybee131 @ 2003-12-17T20:17:00

2003-12-18T04:24:45Z

hello. yes finals are still kicking me in the ass. one more tomorrow... math... i havent studied. F-U-C-K IT. mmmmm i cant wait from break. fuuuuuuuunnn! ow ow

18...2 days...uh huh im expecting birthday kisses from everyone! yep thanks.

Today i went to lunch with Steph. We went to sephora. It was like oooold times. SO GREAT. Shes the only girl in the whole wide world who i can talk about hair and makeup with for LITERALLY 3 hours and not be looked at as shallow. haha UGC. NO ONE will ever quite understand it all. Vice.

honeybee131 @ 2003-12-16T19:08:00

2003-12-17T02:59:56Z

your bitch.

What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

finals are a bitch.

2003-12-16T22:45:52Z

its finals week. fuck. all bad. no more please.

since when do best friends talk shit? i apparently missed the memo on how thats the new definition of friendship. fuck that shit.

im watching Winnie the Pooh right now... dont laugh! i <3 winnie. im STILL made my mom gave away my pooh books without telling me. gggrrrr

i havent done anything really FUN in a while. theres been good times but not memories. i NEED one of those nights where you're just like holy shit that was great. and three weeks later still bring it up and laugh. yep thats what i want for my birthday.

FRIDAY! chya! it had better be a good day. and if alexis is mean to me that day, i will flip a bitch. actually ill get up and walk out cuz its my birthday and i can cry if i want to!

why does school have to suck so much?? and WHY does jess have to leave me for two weeks?!! GAWD!

im sick of being treated like shit. but i know i'll continue to take it.

This is my lovey. Hes like 14 tho. Poor little guy

uh i dont do lj cuts... sorry kiddies

2003-12-09T01:09:59Z

Heres what i did saturday night while outside the mall wasting time.... woooooooooo

dunno huh? what? color pix? i need a tan...

i wanna steal these glasses

to think she was driving at the time...

aynt she a stud

so sorry

2003-12-07T23:54:10Z

im really really really sorry for posting this... dont read it, its shit. i just have the urge.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most?
Saying something and wishing you hadn't?, or
Saying nothing and wishing you had?

I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say.Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them.

If you do, they might break your heart...if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have u ever decided not 2 become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person?

Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own........when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you?

Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much...for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all.

Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid... afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us.

But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump.

Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

* What would you do if every time you fell in love you had to say good-bye?

*What would you do if every time you wanted someone they would never be there?

*What would you do if your best friend died tomorrow and you never got to tell them how you felt? (even if it is that you don't care anymore)

*What would you do if you loved someone more than ever and you couldn't have them?

*What would you do if you never got the chance to say I am friends with all of my family and they know I love them?*

titles are overrated

2003-12-07T09:49:46Z

dont see cat in the hat. thats the moral of this evening. there were like two funny parts... not worth 10 bucks.

spent too much at starbucks. but thats ok. i just reaaaaaaaaaally had to pee... the bushes almost looked like a good option.

ended up at this kids house who i had one of those 'omg hes so cute' crushes on for like 2 years. no joke, but never had the balls to talk to him and it never really mattered. but um yea... still quite sexy. such a sweetheart too. but hey i like my matt to much to even wonder about it.

party? what party? haha i havent been to party in a while. i really dont care either. i just wonder where the hell alexis has gone? pssshhh actually... i wonder where the hell all my friends have gone?! (expect jess of course.) i feel distant from everyone, but thats only cuz i havent called anyone... in like a week... and all of a sudden that feels like so long... i dunno i guess im only happy when my phone is constantly ringing. ive been too aloof lately. and also not being worthy of calling. ive been so useless these past few weeks. sorry kids.

dont ya hate it when a boy can make or break ur night? i really thought i was so good at being detached emotionally from boys but i cant be. i wanted to be with him helluv bad but he was elsewhere and it bothered me for the longest time. <3 <3

Mattc832: srry if i kinda seemed uninterested or mad last nite i was kinda in a bad mood last nite
HoneyBee131: its ok
Mattc832: i jus had alot on my mind
Mattc832: jus ppl at the game were really pissin me off
HoneyBee131: how so
Mattc832: i dont really wanna talk about it but im like over it now i was jus upset last nit thast all
HoneyBee131: oh ok

now THAT makes ME feel weird.

honeybee131 @ 2003-11-27T01:48:00

2003-11-27T09:48:26Z

AvOcADo04: oh the feeling of being head over heels

This is what happens when i snoop...

2003-11-25T07:38:26Z

Being the nosey girl i am, i read a good dozen journals tonight (apparently diaryland is the hip new thing) belonging to people i know. Not people im good friends with, but friends, aquientances. Some of the stuff they write about i dont expect to hear coming from them, but at the same time i see a recurring pattern: they all talk about love. Or at least someone "to hold onto", someone to "love and be loved in return", "a soulmate", a companion. I realized im fortune that i've never longed for this so called unattainable love that they speak of. Perhaps its because ive been so surrounded by love so for long.

I've never been in love, but i've loved- friends, family, friends, boys, friends... you get the idea. Though they may not know, due to my often lack of tact, i am grateful everyday for the loyalty and love they give me. i can not manifest into words the impact of allowing me into their lives has had on me. every experience- good and bad- every conversation has shaped the good in me, and the bad i have no one to blame for but myself. I suppose the people whose journals i read shared another factor in common. Im not trying to be mean, but from what i see and know, all of these people lack true friends.They call the people they have known for two months great friend. Sorry, but to me that doesnt cut it. Until there has been some sort of test in the friendship, its not vaild. Great friends you hold onto, you keep around for as long as you can...why? because you love them. I shake my head at the people who hang out with new people every couple of months and ignore those they were friends with the year before. What the fuck is that exactly? Too cool... too cool.. i just dont understand how people can do that.

I am so god damn lucky to have 3 best friends, 10 people i trust and love dearly, and numerous people i can carry on happy conversations with. I dont know where this entry is going, and its totally strayed from my original inspiration but hey ill do what i damn well please. lol

All you need is love
Love is all you need

honeybee131 @ 2003-11-24T22:35:00

2003-11-25T06:36:03Z

'Truth is, we're all humans, and I firmly believe that humans, by nature, do not have complete control over their hearts. We are ruled by them. We are slaves to our emotions. What we feel has NOTHING to do with what we WANT to feel. You can't be in love with someone when you're just not. Time and trying does not change that. You can't be over someone just because you're tired of missing them. You're over them when you're over them, and it's not up to you to decide when that is. We can deny our emotions, or what I'm calling "personal truths," all we want, but if we don't acknowledge wounds, take proper care of them, and allow them time to heal, we will be left scarred, we may never grow back correctly. Repression is never a solution, and being 88 years old with a heavy heart and mouth full of words you should have said is not the way you want to end up. You will fester with regret. Sounds overdramatic? Call me when you're 88, and we'll see if it feels so ridiculous then.' -lori, so smart

So true so true

2003-11-24T04:58:15Z

So far and few are the feelings associated with mental clarity. We act as we please to satisfy parts of ourselves. We are only human. Sometimes our eyes are shut to whatever beliefs we should have because what we shouldn't have gives us some sort of sensation that continually has us coming back for more. Driven by what we can't have we're a group of ruthless individuals constantly trying to attain what we want. We get heartbroken, we break hearts, we gain happiness, we gain a world of regret, we gain experience, we satisfy our urges, and very few of us are without the negative things. We bring our baggage with us, we don't get rid of feelings we only say they're gone, we don't tell the truth all the time. Theres so many things wrong with relationships. Friendships crumble at the hands of another relationship or the other way around. Our eyes are blind to the happy balance, either that or we don't try hard enough to find it. We do things wrong. We did those things, they did feel right. Everyone has their own set of mistakes and regrets to continually tell stories about and say, "this is why I am this way..." Another excuse for our selfish ways. Why is it that we can't think rationally all the time? Why can't anyone think about us. Once someone thinks the world of us after going along in life feeling lonely we are swept off of our feet, but the fantasy fades. The fantasy always fades. Most relationships go awry. We wish they didn't. We all change. We all want to stay the same. We all have such complex thoughts and have many layers revealing our many counterparts. I made an observation about us all. We really are all driven by fear. Fear of not fitting in, fear of being alone, fear of commitment, fear of unhappiness, fear of not attaining what we ultimately want, fear of hurting ourselves, and fear of hurting someone else. Fear clouds our judgement, but, fear is the driving force. We listen to sad slow songs to ease our pain, we listen to upbeat songs to try to wash them away. We do so many things that don't make sense, why can't it just make sense. Why can't we be satisfied. We wish we could deny what we feel but given a moment where we are left alone with our thoughts we revisit all those things we swept under the rug and realize we never got rid of them. We just forgot about them. Relationships and fear. To an extent it looks like those words don't look like they belong together. Give yourself a minute to look at that. Relationships and fear. They need each other, just like we all need each other, or one person, or multiple people. I'm gonna finish typing, and walk away from this computer still confused why I feel this way or why people act in ways that they do. Vulnerable or strong, the cut is made it just depends on if the wound causes you pain. We turn our heads on what we want not to happen and act like it was never there in hopes it actually will go away. But it won't. Again I say, so far and few are the feelings of mental clarity. -Written by Stephanie Faye Alegado

honeybee131 @ 2003-11-23T17:47:00

2003-11-24T02:08:08Z

ok i have a confession to make... i didnt have the balls to go through with it. when we went to go get the dye i was like well we dont wanna go too dark and make me look scary... so we got "golden brown"... yea... didnt work. haha it is darker with a redish hue to it but its not like WOAH. and i was gonna do it darker the next night... but i just couldnt.

im too fuckin lazy to find a like decent picture. my hair looks odd here but u get the general idea. whatever

honeybee131 @ 2003-11-18T19:10:00

2003-11-19T03:13:48Z

i hate who i see myself becoming

i think he misses her

why is it so fucking cold? thats so not cool

why cant ppl fuck off and mind their own damn business

i lack motivation

my parents oughta get a divorce and shut the fuck up.... actually everyone needs to shut the fuck up

psh helluv dying my hair this weekend

i dont know what the fuck i want

i like the word 'fuck' far too much...

hc

2003-11-17T05:25:54Z

Homecoming was saturday... haha yeaaaaaaa fight with alexis. she was being bitchy. whatever we cleared it up this morning. other than the fact she ruined my night, i'd say i'm over it. i took like no picture but whatever. i got my makeup done at nars and i didnt really like it. although i did buy pretty eyeshadow and blush. yay! and the people there were helluv funny. the girl doin my makeup said i looked like cameron diaz. im like pssh whatever but it was uber sweet to hear hahaha if i didnt have so much damn hw to do i'd write more but whatever

bored? YYYYEESSSSSss

2003-11-11T07:04:50Z

x:name = steph
:x: piercings = ears
:x: tattoos = 0
:x: height= 5'5"
:x: shoe size = 7.5
:x: hair color = blonde
:x: siblings = none (thank god)
LAST...
:x: movie you rented = sex and the city season 2
:x: movie you bought = uuhhh that was long ago...
:x: song you listened to = the way you move- outkast
:x: song that was stuck in your head = this kiss
:x: cd you bought = frank sinatra collection of some sort
:x: person you've called = mark
:x: person that's called you = vincenta
:x: tv show you've watched = average joe
DO...
:x: you have a crush on someone = duh
:x: who= 2 guesses....
:x: you wish you could live somewhere else = i wouldnt mind change
:x: you think about suicide = nope
:x: you believe in online dating = no! thats freaky
:x: others find you attractive = on occassion
:x: you want more piercings = yesh
:x: you like cleaning = nooo
:x: you like roller coasters = yea, but im afraid of heights..weird huh
:x: you write in cursive or print = ugly mix
FOR OR AGAINST...
:x: long distance relationships = against, they dont work
:x: using someone = against, but everyone does it
:x: suicide = against!
:x: killing people = just no
:x: teenage smoking = personal choice
:x: driving drunk = NOOOOO
:x: gay/lesbian relationships = for
:x: soap operas = they help solve boredom
HAVE YOU...
:x: ever cried over a girl= yea friends are trouble lol
:x: ever cried over a boy = i think so
:x: ever lied to someone = yeah
:x: ever been in a fist fight = no
:x: ever been arrested = no
WHAT...
:x: shampoo do you use = sebastian
:x: shoes do you wear = puma or those cathy jeans everyone and their mother owns
:x: are you scared of = heights, and being alone
NUMBER...
:x: of times I have been in love?= 0
:x: of times I have had my heart broken? = 0
:x: of hearts I have broken? = a few
:x: of girls you've obsessed over who wouldn't date you: im not a lesbian
:x: of times my name has appeared in the newspaper?= 0
:x: of scars on my body? = none
:x: of things in my past that I regret? = yes
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE...
:x: pretty - nope
:x: funny - nooo
:x: hot - no
:x: friendly - when i wanna be
:x: amusing - on accident
:x: ugly - sometimes
:x: loveable - sometimes
:x: caring - yea
:x: sweet - sometimes
:x: dorky - probably
favorite:
5 letter word: how bout 4 letter?
actor/actress: gene kelly/ audrey hepburn
Candy: chocolate covered raisins
Cartoon: simpsons
Cereal: cherrios
Chewing gum: icebreakers
Color(s): pink
Day of week: saturday
Least fave day: monday
Flower: cliche rose
Jello flavor: i dont like jello
Jewelry: um Tiffany's haha
Special skills/talents: ummm nothing
Summer/Winter: Winter
Trampolines or swimming pools: trampolines
|| Person who last.. ||
Slept in your bed: me
Made you cry:dont recall
You went to the movies with: matt
Yelled at you: parents
Sent you an email: no one ever emails me :(
|| Have you ever.. ||
Said "I love you" and meant it?: yea
Gone out in public in your pajamas: duh
Kept a secret from everyone: yes
Cried during a movie: yes but sshhh dont tell
Ever at anytime owned new kids on the block stuff: no
Planned your week based on the TV Guide: haha no
Been on stage: yep yep
Been to New York: does the airport count?
Been to California: yes
Hawaii: i dont even remember it
China: no (thank god...)
Canada: no
Europe: yeeeesss
Asia: no
South America: no
Australia: no
Wished you were the opposite sex: sometimes
What time is it now?: 10:58
Apples or bananas?: both
Blue or red?: red
Walmart or target?: target
Spring or Fall?: Fall
What are you gonna do after you finish this?: sleep
What was the last meal you ate?: ice cream... *oink oink*
High school or college?: i cant wait for college
Are you bored?: yeah! duh
Last noise you heard?: door closing
Last smell you sniffed?: i dont sniff things, thanks
Last time you went out of state/province?: beats me
|| Friendship/Love ||
Do you believe in love at first sight?: i believe in attraction at first sight
Do you want children one day & if so, how many?: 1 maybe 2
Most important thing to you in a friendship is: trust
|| Other Info ||
Criminal record?: no..
Do you speak any other languages?: Dutch
Last book you read: does hamlet count
Name some of your favorite things in your bedroom?: my bed
Thing you dislike about yourself the most: my nose and smile
Worst feeling in the world: missing someone
Who you love: my friends
Who you miss: my friends
|| You ||
Nickname(s): steph, izzy, dutch, kennedy, kenny
Initials: sck
How old do you look?: uh 17?
How old do you act?: 17 i hope
Glasses/Contacts: contacts
Braces: retainers what what
Do you have any pets?: buttons!
You get embarrassed: yes
What makes you happy?: hugs
What upsets you?: being lied to
|| Finish the sentence: ||
I Love to... sleep
I Miss... the way things were
I Wish... i didnt have to go to school
I Hope... to not fail math
I'm Annoyed by... people who pretend to be nice
I Am... tired
I Want to Be...happy
I Would Never... get a tattoo
I'd Rather...sleep
I Am Tired of... high school drama
I Will Always be... opinionated
|| Have you ever.. ||
Thought you were going to die: no
Wanted to Run away: yeah
Flunked a grade: no
Skipped a grade: no

another day... another day...

2003-10-30T03:56:10Z

i really wanna spruce up this lj thing. its so ugly. i gotta figure out how to put pics and such. Ah well...

its been a rough week. well... today has been pretty good.

but monday killed me. i got bitched out to no end by a nun... (yea try that on for depressing)granted it was a psycho nun but its a long story and im not getting into it again. lets just say it sucked ass, and i have to go back for more in a week or two (i dreeeaad the day).

i'm out of physics officially. thank god! my work load is a bajillion times easier. its a bit of a kick in the balls to have to still sit in the same class (as a TA) and be like Yes...yes...i failed! im stupid! thank u! *takes a bow* but whatever. Everyone in that class is a fag except maybe like....3 ppl... and one hot guy...

and thats it. why? because i have math to do... although im not gonna do it... i oughta at least LOOK at it...

HELP!

2003-10-25T07:07:36Z

someone help me figure this livejournal shit out! it looks like crap! how can i make it all pretty like everyone elses? backrounds and such...