i feel so useless. like i honestly cant do anything right. even when i try really hard i manage to do SOMETHING thats just good enough. because thats all i want, to have him be happy with me. and then i go and blame it on myself like ive just royally fucked up... when in perspective... i didnt. its that whole ego thing of his. And i dont appriciate straight up lies. That kinda hurts. I understand why... i guess... but its stupid. at the same time why do i always have to be the one who "understands" every mood swing, reason out every attitude, while i get shit for everything. i dont really mind as long as its well meant, but sometimes its a bit overdone.

U know what i hate, is that i can point out every single flaw in him... but i love it all the same. I dont really see them as flaws either. It just makes me so vulnerable.

 so scared to lose him. i miss the cards, i miss when he used to tell him so often how much he liked me. yea, he says i love you, mostly its just love u too. kinda detatched. i just want to feel needed. i did last night. and it made me happy.

Last night there were a few moments that just make everything so worthwhile. The little things... like when i was cleaning the bowls he put his arms around my waist and his chin on my shoulder. i love that feeling. Like when he kissed me so many times i couldnt take another drink, or when we fell on the floor. Ok yea enough details, thats the idea. Those things are all i want in honesty.

Ive been listened to a lot of depressing songs lately. They make me think of a lot of things that are happening, will happen, could happen...

And I say baby, yes I feel stupid to call you, but I'm lonely
And I don't think you meant it when you said you couldn't love me
And I thought maybe if I kissed the way you do, you'd feel it too
He said I'm sorry

I guess there's just a part of me that likes to bring you down
Just to keep you around
Cuz the day you realize how amazing you are
You're gonna leave me

You know its gonna make it that much better
When we can say goodnight and stay together...You know it seems the more we talk about it
It only makes it worse to live without it
But lets talk about it
Wouldn't it be nice

[	mood	|	uncomfortable	]
[	music	|	jessica- graham colton	]

i feel like saying everything right here, right now... but im not in the mood. im not the  mood to write. im not in the mood to think. im not in the mood to act all fuckin peppy and cheery (its not worth the effort anymore). im not in the mood to act like i care (especially when you fucking don't). im not in the mood to pretend (because thats all i ever do). fuck my life, but more importantly, everyone in it.

you've been asking too much.

maybe... maybe, I'M the one asking too much...?!

i'll never fucking talk to you outside of high school... and im not even sad about it. (x 20)

people are bullshit.

i take that back...high school is bullshit (and i'm sick of it.)

one of the most genuine people i know, i hardly know. maybe thats why they're genuine. but then again they've seen too little and know too few to know how to be a self-absorbed asshole like everybody else.

Drinking is overrated... fun, but overrated. On a daily basis its those with no real lives, no real goals, and really... nothing better to do. (dont get me wrong, drinking is fun and something to keep the youth occupied in the boredom of the suburbs.)

the handful of people i rely on now mean so much and its gonna be so hard to leave in a few months. mentally prepare myself for loss.  everyone else is worthless.

you've been a victim.

i owe it to you to make friends with your friends, but dont expect anything more. anything else is a waste of time i can't have back.

• what i consider a good evening for me: dinner with a friend, watching movies with a room full of friends, laughing, laughing, laughing.
• the evening i should have had tonight (that would have prevented and solved so many things): reading Vogue at Borders and drinking coffee <by myself>, burning a few cds, rent a movie, take a bath... sleep. oh, and turning off my cell phone.

i wish i hadnt known. i wish so many people didnt mean something to me. i wish they were as disposable to me as i am to them. i wish i didnt care.

ever wonder who would miss you if you were gone???

OOOOH... and by the way... the dress i wore to homecoming  was in InStyle... was yours?